"I encourage you to read about toxic positivity and all or nothing thinking. This aligns with that in a way that is invalidating to many experiences and emotions, and then your self righteous caption...my goodness!" - said Instagram user we shall call.... Debbie
I stared down at my phone, surveying what appeared to be my first negative comment on Instagram, in response to my post on "Hard truths that will change your life".
It was well over a year ago now, But I remember I was devastated.
I wrestled the impulse to justify my reasoning, feeling simultaneously nauseous and defensive at being accused of promoting toxic positivity. I'm a Coach for Women in business who strives to empower women, my entire premise of sharing the post was to invoke a radical responsibility for the reader to reclaim their life and damnit Debbie you've totally missed the point. And for the record, I find toxic positivity deeply unhelpful and well, toxic.
I took a breath and recalled a podcast episode in which a high profile coach spoke of how he dealt with such situations, learning the hard way to not defend or justify. To simply reflect and let it go. After all, when you put your ideas and methods out to the world, the response will not always be high fives and double taps.
Despite my desire to defend my approach, I thank her for stopping by and sharing her input, adding the gratitude emoji to sign off my response. Still, I went back to read her comment at least a dozen times over the course of the day. Had I misconveyed my message? Was I coming off self righteous? Does my approach invalidate other peoples experiences???
Whilst I deeply hope that the answer to these questions is "Absolutely not". I can’t be the judge of that, but in order to preserve my integrity, speak my own truth and in doing so serve women who really want to change their lives, here's what I can say.....
I stand by every word.
1. Nobody can make you feel anything
Ooooft. Starting off with a hard hitter.
But please note the emphasis on the word make.
In order to process our emotions or circumstance, it feels only natural to blame the person you feel responsible for causing the affliction. This is not to say that other people don't cause damage. And this isn't to say that you are responsible for that damage, or that it is an any way acceptable. And you may even produce very deep and painful feelings in the process (unless you're a psychopath... in which case... this is awkward.....)
But what I am saying is this - If you give other people power over your own emotions, you take that power away from yourself and you open yourself up to a way of living that relies on other people behaving exactly as you would or as you want them to, creating an impossible task.
It's also highly subjective. What one person internalises and produces an emotion for, another person brushes off and pays no attention to. Because it doesn't land the same way for them. Why? It’s all perception. And our perception is based on a whole host of contributing factors - our experiences, our beliefs, our circumstances, what we want to be true, how much sleep we've had, the last time we ate..... I mean, you get my point here?! And whilst this statement “Nobody can make you feel anything” could be regarded as an intellectual concept and not how the world really operates, I would argue that any other approach is highly disempowering. Instead, I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves to be the guardians of our own feelings, to observe our emotions and triggers and then make decisions on how we want to move forwards in a manner that best suits our values and goals.
Which for the record, also includes drawing boundaries with people who's behaviour does not align with our values and goals.
2. Your childhood is not an excuse for your adulthood
If like me, you had a less than idyllic childhood, this may just be the hardest concept to grasp out of all five points. As someone who once used their trauma as both a shield and an excuse, I know only too well the pitfalls of living in the past and the damage this mindset can cause. And whilst you might be quite right to feel that the reason you can’t be, have or do X, Y, Z is because of your childhood…. It doesn’t actually help you have a happy, healthy or successful life going forward. Instead it will keep you fixated on the most painful parts of your story with no hope of creating a better one for yourself.
Here’s the thing…
You don't have to forgive. You don’t have to forget. And you don't even have to “find the positives”. These are all deeply personal choices and who is anyone to tell you otherwise?!
But I urge you to consider the concept that whilst you can’t change where you’ve come from, you can change where you’re going. And most importantly, recognising that you are capable and worthy of creating something better for yourself, regardless of where you’ve come from or what you previously thought was available to you.
In my own experience and in observing that of others, there is a whole other life that is waiting for you on the other side of whatever challenges, adversities or obstacles you have so far overcome. Furthermore, there’s even a possibility that your greatest challenges will one day provide you with your greatest strengths and gifts. Imagine that….
3. You can choose how to respond to difficult situations
Hello self awareness. Whilst some of these concepts might be tricky to grasp in theory, I think the one of "You can choose how to respond" wins the prize for being the hardest one to put into practise when the chips are down and you’ve got nano seconds to choose your response. It requires huge amounts of self awareness, discipline and a tonne of compassion thrown in.
I was in a situation a while back in which a series of text message shook me. The sender (whom shall remain anonymous, but no, it wasn't my parter!) was using what appeared to be spiteful and manipulative tactics in an attempt to get their way. I felt a rush of cortisol and adrenaline flood my body, my heart quickened and thoughts raced through my brain of exactly what I wanted to say in that moment. Ok, I'm clearly angry. With this awareness, I put my phone away and made the decision to respond when I had the abilty to reply in a manner conducive to a resolution. For the record, 25 year old Hayley would absolutely not have put the phone away. She would have responded quickly with something cutting, something she thought was clever and accurate. Honestly - something likely to make the situation far worse.
Sound familiar?! I specifically gave this example because It's one we can all likely relate to.
You see there's a gap between the situation (in this instance, infuriating text messages) and the response. It's small, microscopic, potentially fleeting if you don't take a breathe and catch it, none the less, it's there. It exists. And through the process of developing self awareness, you can strengthen your ability to expand the gap and respond, rather than react.
The difference is huge.
And regardless of outcomes, when you choose how to respond, instead of simply reacting to external influences, you maintain control and dignity, acting in alignment with your core values.
That being said, unless you have monk like abilities, it’s likely that you’ll never get this spot on 100% of the time! But if you intentionally make this is the aim, you’ll hit the mark more often than not and it will only ever improve over time and with practise.
4. You are 100% responsible for your happiness & success
Whilst working with my 1:1 clients I like to introduce them to something I like to call Radical Responsibility.
This is where we apply the concept that “I alone am 100% responsible for my joy & success” (see point 2 again if a little voice just peeped up with “yeah but my parent did this or my childhood was crappy” )
Firstly, blame will get you nowhere, and responsibility will give you tools you need to move forward and claim a bit of that joy and sucess for yourself. And blame can sound like “It’s not my fault” “I don't have time because…” or “It’s harder for me because….”
These beliefs will leave you in the dust whilst others around you claim what’s theirs, all because they took… yup…. Responsibility!
And it’s liberating. Think about it. No more low vibe “I can’t because (insert lame excuse) ”
NO. Not for you my friend - instead you’re rolling with “This is my responsibility and I have the power to change this situation and turn it around in my favour.”
It’s borderline sexy.
Secondly, on the other hand, if you make your happiness someone else’s responsibility, let’s say your partner, it’s not only unfair to that person, but the act of doing so, disempowers you. By taking this approach, you’re literally handing over control of your happiness to someone else, meaning that they have the ability to take this away from you and that you are dependant on their presence or attention in order to be happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should tolerate people who make us unhappy, let me be clear, absolutely not! But there’s a huge difference between being around people who make us happy, and requiring these people to fulfil all of our needs and be the sole suppliers of our happiness.
As cliche as it sounds, happiness really is an inside job, so instead be willing to really get to know yourself and discover what makes you truly happy. Invest in yourself, do more of what makes you happy, step away from the noise of “should” (ie - “I should be doing) learn more on a topic you’re passionate about and create space and time for yourself to really explore what lights you up.
5. Life doesn’t owe you anything, but you owe life everything
Life can be many things - messy, complicated, magical, heartbreaking, wondrous, beautiful, devastating and uncertain… All of this, all at once and so much more.
But you're here.
And the odds of that? Well according to scientists about 1 in 400 trillion….
Which is mind bogglingly remarkable when you take a moment to ponder the math. And I can’t speak on behalf of anyone else here, but for me personally, whilst I’m open to all kinds of possibilities as to what comes after our time here on earth, I can’t help but explore the scenario in which this indeed might just be our one and only shot at this thing called life. Our one chance to have the experiences, in all of it’s mess and magic, to be human.
Isn’t that wild?!
And I’m just going to go right out and say it - you owe it to yourself to give it everything you’ve got.
You owe it to to yourself to live life fully, to pursue all the things that spark curiosity and joy in your heart. To try new things, to not be afraid to fail, to do something new and suck at it until you no longer suck at it and maybe you even become great at it. You owe it to yourself to feel love, to love yourself and radiate it back out into the world if for no there reason than you become a magnet for more of it. You owe it to yourself to become the happiest, healthiest most successful version of yourself, whatever that looks like for you.
You owe it to yourself to say “This is it. This is my life. And I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got”
It won’t always be easy, but if you ride it out, the tricky seasons will bring and clarity and wisdom, bringing you closer to the things you want in life and with a new found sense of gratitude for all that you do have.
So that’s it. Those are few of my potentially controversial “hard truths” that if embraced might just change your life. As an aside, I do not share my words with the desire to shock, be controversial or in any way invalidate anyone’s own experience in life. It’s not my thing. But I do share my work with the intention of helping shift perspectives with the goal that you may see a glimmer of yourself and think “Fuck it. I can do that too”. Why?? Because my entire life changed when those who walked before me shared their stories, their perspectives, their own voices and I in turn thought “Fuck it. Maybe I can do that too….”
And if one person, just one person, can take anything from my own journey and lessons and change their life. Well then I don’t mind upsetting Debbie so much!
I hope this article provided some value and inspiration on your journey. If you’re looking to make changes in your life and or business and would like to work with me through my 1:1 coaching program then I'd love to hear from you! Simply send me a message me via hayleyscottsummers@gmail.com Or book your session here
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